The first weeks of college are often overwhelming for students. Most enjoy the new friends, new freedom, and new routines. But around the middle of October, reality sets in: their reading piles up, they have exams and essays due, and they’re homesick. Worse, they’re beginning to believe they don’t belong in college at all. If your student sounds “flat” or overwhelmed on the phone, you are not imagining it, and you’re far from alone.
What the Research Tells Us
Struggling in college is common. Studies of mental health reveal that about a third of first-year college students suffer from either depression or anxiety. This doesn’t mean your student is at risk: cases of mild depression or anxiety are common worldwide. But it does suggest that what they’re feeling during that first term in college is real. These numbers also don’t mean your student is fragile. They show that the transition to college is demanding; and a dip in mood or motivation is a normal response to a big adjustment.
Having said this, don’t confuse regular adjustment concerns with bigger issues. Your student may need more support if you notice persistent sadness or irritability lasting more than two weeks. In addition, withdrawal from friends, significant changes in sleep or appetite, skipping classes, or expressions of hopelessness may point to more serious issues.
Why the Slump Happens
By mid-semester, the “honeymoon phase” is over. Faculty members who have allowed students to ramp up to their normal requirements are now teaching at their normal pace and intensity. At some schools, students are accustomed to a “syllabus week.” During this week, many instructors go over the syllabus during their first class sessions and nothing else. I wasn’t like that: once we’ve reviewed the syllabus we got to work. But other faculty were kinder than me in the beginning.
By October, students are facing heavier workloads, their first real college grades, and the realization that high school study habits no longer work. Many resort to shortening their sleep, which is a mistake. Research on college students show links between irregular sleep and poorer academic performance, mood problems, and the inability to focus in class—the last thing they want.
Helping Without Hovering
One important technique parents of successful college students use is to listen first, fix later. When your student calls with a problem, resist the urge to solve it immediately. You might even ask as they begin: “Do you want advice, or do you just want me to listen?” Often the question alone empowers your student to understand that they still have “agency,” or the power to change things themselves.
Support their independence. You already know that your job is not to step in and solve the problem for your student. This means you won’t be—or shouldn’t be: calling professors, managing their calendars or speaking with their RA about roommate problems. You don’t want to be seen as a “helicopter parent.” These are the parents who treat their student and the college the same way they did in high school. (Those of us in higher education aren’t terribly fond of these parents, but not for the obvious reasons. Our concern is helicopter parenting often prevents students from taking on adult responsibilities in college, which can hinder their success.
One way to avoid helicopter parenting is to encourage student problem solving. For example, ask: “What have you tried so far?” or, “Who on campus might help you with this?” Check out our post on the smooth referral for additional suggestions.
Normalize struggle. Tell your student that a rough patch doesn’t mean they chose the wrong school or major. Sharing your stories of difficult transitions can make them feel less alone. On the other hand, suggest that they should reflect more on their choice of major after the semester ends. I switched from a major in Biology to English as a result of that later reflection.
Check in on the basics. Gently ask about sleep, meals, physical activity, and time with friends. These aren’t the only ways students feel supported, but they can help with their transition.
Maintain steady, but not overwhelming communication. A predictable weekly call or a low-pressure text (“thinking of you, no need to reply”) keeps the door open without feeling like a surveillance camera. You can also try the selfie method my wife used when our daughter went to college.
Nudge Toward Help
Many students who need support never ask for it. During much of the semester, counseling and other support services on campus find few students seeking their services. But by mid-semester, they’re suddenly swamped. Encourage your student to understand that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. Parents can help by treating counseling and advising like any other health resource.
You might say, “Lots of students use the counseling center. Would it help if we looked up how to make an appointment together?” Better yet, if you know the number of the counseling center from orientation, pass that on to your student. Suggest they give them a call and let you know how it went.
A Final Thought
Your role at this stage is very much as a college success consultant to your student: a reliable source of comfort, a listening ear and support. Students truly appreciate parents who support them without getting in the way. Further, they value when you keep them focused on the greater goal of college success—even when they don’t say so. Like college in general, this is clear marathon versus sprint time for both of you.
Get stretching.
