Your student is coming home from college. Yay! Many parents talk about students returning home from college, and the challenges that presents. And at times that—yay—devolves into a “why doesn’t he just go back already?” But you can survive and even thrive when your student returns home.
Why It’s Stressful
Think about it. When your student was away for school, every decision they had to make: when to get up, when to study, whether to attend class or not, who to hang out with—everything is on them. They didn’t have an extra hand pushing them out of bed in the morning, or suggesting that they spend more time studying, rather than chilling with friends. This first dose of liberty is often freeing for college students. It’s so freeing in fact, that many parents worry—understandably so—if they aren’t a bit too free.
But whether they’ve made great decision or questionable, ones, the point is: they’ve made those decisions primarily on their own without direct parental involvement. What makes us think they want that direct parental involvement when they head home in December?
What They’re Looking For
I’ve spoken many times on the collegeandparents website about recommended changes in communication when students go to college. Before college, we often communicate with them as parent to child. There’s nothing wrong with that. But when they go to college—whether they leave home or not—the more effective communication with them is adult to adult. So, the first thing I would suggest is that when you speak with your student as they come home from college—or beforehand—that you communicate with them as though they are a younger staff member you’ve been assigned to mentor on the job. One way of doing that is to ask them “what are some of your plans for the break,” rather than assuming that the plans you have are all they care about.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share your plans with them. You should. At the same time, recognize that part of being an adult is being comfortable with shifting plans. Embrace flexibility: Plans may change, and everyone’s schedule may be different during the holidays. Be flexible and adaptable as a way to avoid unnecessary tension.
Space
Your student may also appreciate a little space. You can provide that by not pushing them to get up at 8 o’clock in the morning to drive 30 minutes to see their grandparents. Encourage them to visit, but try to work with their schedule to make it possible. And you don’t have to be with them 24/7, as tempting as that is. Chances are, they’ll want to spend time with friends they haven’t seen in person for months now that they’re home from college. And since they’ll be around for awhile, let them take the lead on some of this.
Deeper Expectations
But all this talk about giving them space flexibility shouldn’t dissuade you from showing the one thing they can only get from their family. Show you care, in all the ways you normally would. You show you care by asking about their academic experiences, and what may have surprised them during the previous term. You can also show you care by supporting them when they share the challenges they’ve faced, or about the first “C’s,” they may have earned. Ask about their upcoming term as well in addition to any hurdles they may see on the horizon.
Defuse Conflict When You Can
When your student comes home from college, they’re most likely fatigued from the semester. Going to college is a full-time job with lots of overtime. As they complete a term, they’ve put a lot of energy into preparing for and taking final exams, and completing term papers. Put simply, when they come home from college, they’re pooped! And if you thought they could sleep a long time when they were in high school, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
This fatigue college students feel when they come home from college, coupled with your desire to hang with your favorite college student can lead to emotions being close to the surface. Employ humor when you can. When they balk about heading to see your parents, you might say “And if you think I’m going to face your grandmother without you, you’ve got another thing coming, bub” (with a smile, of course.) Or, if you have are concerned about your student heading out late to visit with friends, you might ask, “Do I need to send your tattling little sister with you to keep you out of trouble tonight?” If you both know their little sister is a notorious tattler, your meaning is clear.
You’ll Be Sad When They Go Back
For all the challenges of college students coming home from college, remember that when they go back, you’ll miss them. Do what you can to keep the conflicts low, be clear about your desire to spend time with them, and engage as best you can adult to adult. Your student will appreciate it, and you may marvel at the great young adult you’ve produced.