Homesickness

Many of us receive that teary phone call from a son or daughter asking to come home. That strong and sassy child who wouldn’t even look back when you pulled away from their campus on opening day is ready to throw in the towel because things just don’t feel right to them. They tell you they aren’t connected to others, they’re lonely, or they’ve taken their first college exam and received a “C,” their first ever. Fear not, family member: you’re not alone and neither are they.

What is Homesickness?

This CNN article suggests that homesickness is less about home than it is about a separation from familiar and comfortable things, such as home or the people and pets within in as noted here. That makes sense, since students who report being homesick talk not about home in a theoretical sense, missing things like their mom’s cooking, meals together, or being in a familiar place. For these students, it’s about connections to something that “home” represents. In addition, students are responding to the new stresses of their college environment, and see “home” as a safer and more positive environment to be in. Hence, their idea that going home is the best remedy for homesickness. But that’s not a good idea.

What Leads to It?

College offers students all kind of challenges. The first is simply the challenge of handling college classes, since they differ so much from high school courses. They also have the challenges of living with a roommate, eating unfamiliar food in the dining hall, and trying to find their place in the college’s social structure. While to their parents, these challenges don’t seem difficult, they stress students every day. These stresses to them are real, and can be debilitating. Also, when students go to college, their routines are turned upside down, so that everything is new and stressful. Almost everything new students encounter is tough. Some students are just better able to handle that stress than others. And if your student is one who is struggling, don’t be upset: it doesn’t mean that you or your student did anything wrong.

How to Address It

One reason students linger with their homesickness is they aren’t connected to people or resources on campus. Perhaps they haven’t made new friends, and the gap between the familiarity of old friends and the lack of people to confide in at their college illustrates what they’re missing. Encouraging them to participate in campus life, through joining a club or two or attending residence hall programs is one way to help them connect.

Another reason students remain homesick for a long time is connected to how we respond to their frantic calls home. And that’s where you may want to make a change. When your student complains about not being connected, you can ask “Who did you talk to about this?” or, “How could you make yourself more comfortable considering you’ll be there for a few years?” Those are two ways of turning to them for the solution. When you choose to suggest that they talk to someone about their feelings, such as the counseling center, you might consider the smooth referral so that your student has a specific person or office to talk to, rather than just go “talk to someone.” Using this technique also gives you something to follow up on the next time you speak.

Many sources will tell you not to get in the car and go rescue your students, and that’s good advice. At the same time, only you can decide on the proper intervention or action for your student. When our daughter was a sophomore and dealing with the stresses of a major power outage as a Resident Assistant, I left for a conference in her college city many hours early to visit with her. I just chilled with her for the afternoon, and took her and a good friend to dinner that night before heading to my hotel. So while she wasn’t rescued, she got enough support and nurturing to face her challenges once again. And a little bit of support and nurturing can go a long way.