For many new students, college is the first time they’ve shared a room with someone they don’t know and it causes them great anxiety. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
What a College Roommate Is and Isn’t
College roommates are people you live with for a set period of time in college, nothing more nothing less. In fact, much of the anxiety college students have is because they have high and often unrealistic expectations about their college roommates, as mention in this article from Huffpost. As the post notes, assuming a college roommate with be your BFF from the get-go or that your relationship will flow from good great without any work is simply not the case.
Choosing a Roommate in the 21st Century College
Years ago, roommates were assigned by colleges and universities randomly, or by using one of several tools often referred to as “roommate surveys.” People have different opinions about these surveys. I tend to think if filled out honestly, they give students a good chance of being paired with a compatible person. My daughter and others on the other hand, believe they aren’t very good, this stemming for how she was matched with her first roommate. So, use them with your eyes open, but ask other students who already attend your student’s preferred school how they were matched with their roommates.
More recently, students have been using social media, especially Facebook or other groups set up by their colleges to help them find roommates, but even that method isn’t foolproof unless your student is a qualified private investigator. I mean, if you don’t believe everything you see on social media, your student shouldn’t, either. But social media can still be a valuable tool for identifying roommates. College Raptor provides even more valuable questions your student can ask themselves about roommates and provides suggestions to clarify what the student is looking for and how they can use their resources to make the best choice. A few items I believe students should ask themselves include:
- What am I looking for in a roommate?
- Are there things about me that roommates might not like, such as being messy, playing music loudly, or needing the window open to sleep?
- Why should someone want to live with me? What is it about me that would make me a good roommate?
- Am I a morning person or a night owl (keeping in mind that this may change!)
Questions like this are also mentioned in my Spring Orientation post.
Making the Roommate Relationship Work
Many college and universities offer students the chance to develop roommate agreements that outline their expectations and how they intend to live together. Students often don’t take this seriously, since they want to make a good impression on their roommate. After all; they want their roommate to like them. Encourage your student to be clear and open during this process, whether it be about overnight visitors, quiet hours, drinking in the room, or cleanliness so that the agreement truly reflects what they want. If during that process, the roommates find that they are really far apart in expectations, that might be a good justification to seek a new roommate, even though most schools require students to stick it out for a few weeks before making such changes.
And something else: please let your student run this process with their roommate. Students may be uncomfortable discussing overnight visitors with parents around, yet these are things your student needs to discuss with their roommate honestly. Give them the chance to do that.
Dealing with Conflicts
Most students are able to make these relationships work. Our daughter was paired with a roommate using the university’s roommate form, and they found themselves mismatched from the start. Our daughter is very ordered, and her first roommate was…not. Also, her roommate was much more socially active on the weekends and got herself into some challenging situations, at least one of which our daughter had to get her out of. On the bright side, my daughter and her roommate talked in detail about their differences, and worked things out even though they didn’t like each other very much. Both our daughter and her roommate grew from that experience and have each been happier since they stopped being roommates. My wife and I agree that this experience has served our daughter well as a Resident Assistant afterwards.
Why this Challenge is Important
Most importantly, a college roommate shouldn’t prevent your student from having a positive learning experience at their college or university. If there are conflicts between your student and their roommate, the college or university offers resources to help mediate roommate conflicts and help them work through them. Even if your student has to wait longer than they want for something to change, most students can get through anything for a year or at least a term. Allow your student the opportunity to grow through this process, and yes, this is one of the hardest parts of parenting a college student.