The Smooth Referral

One of the most important skills parents of college students need to learn is making what I call the “smooth referral.” This is in line with our role as your student’s most important behind the scenes consultants. We are really talking about getting your student to the resources he or she needs to thrive in college. And just as we’ve all learned not to ask “How was school today?” to which the answer was always the chatty “Fine,” knowing how to ask your college student questions and give them helpful answers is a new parenting skill you should develop.

The first thing to making a smooth and effective referral is knowing what to refer them to. This implies that you’ve paid attention during parent orientation (assuming your student’s school had one) and have checked out the college’s website.

During orientation, make a point of writing down the names and titles of all the people who talk to you, such as the Dean of Students, his or her staff members, the Wellness or Health Center staff – anybody. And don’t forget the admissions counselor you talked with as well. Chances are, if your student is like most they’ll hear some of the same things you’ll hear at orientation, but won’t be paying as much attention. This is probably because they’re swept up in the excitement of college, meeting new students and trying to just figure out the basics of getting around in their orientation group. Listening to details from a staff member just isn’t something they’re ready for at the moment. I think this is the reason many colleges have parent orientation sessions, especially those that occur during the summer: they know that students aren’t able to remember much of what they hear during orientation, but their parents can. Having a parent session means that somebody in the family may remember some of this important information. Even orientation sessions held right before school starts can be quickly overwhelming to students so they miss far more than they should. I don’t blame the colleges for that: there is a lot to know, which is why most have all kinds of workshops and activities scheduled during the first term, to teach some of the same things to students they might  have heard about during orientation.

So your first step is remembering as much as you can from orientation so you can let your student what he or he can do or where he or she can go if they need help with something during the school year. Your second valuable resource is the college website, which contains a wealth of information. So play with it, and check out terms like this on the site:

Tutoring, or academic support;

Academic advising;

Wellness or the health center;

Residence life;

Business office or student accounts;

Financial aid;

As you look at these offices, take note of where they’re located and a phone number and the reasons students would make use of that resource. For residence life it might be roommate problems, or a room that is too hot or too cold; while for the academic support office (or whatever it’s called) it could be helping your student learn better ways of taking notes in college. By the way, knowing what the offices are called is another important element in making smooth referrals. Once you’ve done this, you’re better armed and ready for the smooth referral.

An important note: you don’t have to have the precise answer to your student when he or she first calls. You don’t have to have the answer right now. If your son calls you all stressed out while you’re driving home, you won’t be ale to check the website or your notes from orientation. That’s okay. Listen to him now, help him back off the edge of the cliff, and let him now that you can both talk later and maybe work out a plan with him. In the meantime, you can check your notes on the website, then call back with some ideas you can float by him.

When you do make that call and are ready to make the smooth referral, have some of the names or people and offices (and how to contact them) in front of you. “I remember that nice Dr. Webster from orientation. She said you can always go by her office. It’s in Founders Hall. You know where that is, right?” Eventually, you can assure your son that “Hey, we’ve already paid for it. You might as well use it.” Once they commit to a plan (which may take some doing on your part) have them call you back once they make contact. They can go by that office the next day, and say you’ll call them at 2:30 (once their classes are over and they have time to go by the office) to see how it went. This is one of those times when he really wants Mom or Dad to call him.

To sum, you aren’t making the call in this case to the campus office but you are making sure your student knows not only to ask for help, but a specific office and maybe even a person to talk to, making it easier for them to comply. That’s the essence of the smooth referral. If we were to tell them “Why don’t you ask somebody for help?” that may not work. If we say instead “What are your professor’s office hours?” Then follow up with “they say people hardly ever come to see them during office hours, but that’s a good way to get their attention,” that makes the process of your student making the right choice and following through on that much easier.

I don’t mean to imply that parenting a college student is a “hands off” procedure. It’s really more of a “hands at a distance” procedure. Over time, your hands can be at even a greater distance, as your son calls you and tells you the hurdle he encountered, and how he already resolved it. And when that happens, you can feel free to be justifiably and outrageously proud. I was.